


if you only listen with your ears I can't get in

by shinealightonme



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Angst, Canon-Typical Darkness, Canonical Character Death, First Meetings, Gen, M/M, Minor Noah Czerny/Ronan Lynch, Minor Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish, Pre-Canon, metaphorical self-harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-21
Updated: 2019-12-21
Packaged: 2021-02-24 16:47:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21881254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinealightonme/pseuds/shinealightonme
Summary: That's what it is to be Noah: they look through him without realizing they're doing it.
Comments: 29
Kudos: 212
Collections: Pynch Secret Santa 2019





	if you only listen with your ears I can't get in

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bratwiththeglasses](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bratwiththeglasses/gifts).



> Written for Pynch Secret Santa on tumblr for nightwashx, who wanted platonic and/or romantic and/or ambiguous Noah/Ronan with Pynch in the background and canon-type darkness. I hope you enjoy this!

The room is empty, and then Noah is there. It is still, arguably, empty.

There's a room next to this one where a boy is sleeping, a room beyond that where a boy is awake. Noah can hear both of them as though they have already spoken to him, as though they have invited him in to be the third point of a triangle. 

Noah hasn't been a part of something in a long time.

He drifts out of the room and finds one of the boys -- the one who is awake. He's dead, but not like Noah is. He's alive, too.

Noah thinks, _Gansey_.

Gansey looks up, eyes staring through him before they focus. His mind does the same thing, ignoring Noah until it can coalesce around the idea of him. He smiles.

"Noah." His mouth tests out the word. "Are you getting moved in okay?"

"I don't have anything to move in."

"Are you all right to wait until morning? I'm afraid nothing will be open now. And if we wait we can persuade Ronan to be helpful."

 _Ronan._ The sleeping boy. He feels more dead than Gansey, in some way. Not more dead than Noah.

"Ronan can be helpful?"

"I live in hope," Gansey says.

Noah thinks, _you die in hope_.

-

"You going to give us a hand with this or do you just like watching?" Ronan complains. He had not complained getting the bed frame into the BMW -- not to Noah, at least; the furniture and the car had taken their share of abuse -- but of course Noah had helped, then. He had vanished so they did not have to fit three people and the frame and the mattress inside the car at the same time. Neither Gansey nor Ronan asked how he made it back to Monmouth, with no car, before them.

"It's too heavy for me."

"Oh, but we're made of muscle."

"Comparatively," Gansey says, and then he flushes red. "No offense, Noah, you're fine."

Noah blinks. If he couldn't hear it he wouldn't understand that Gansey is embarrassed because he thinks he will make Noah feel self-conscious about his _body image._ Like he will be ashamed of having less muscle mass than they do, when his body has decayed to nothing. "I'm not," Noah says. "I'm dead."

Ronan snorts. "Yeah, and these stairs are killing me. Join the fucking club."

-

Adam is surprising in that he is alive.

Alive boys shouldn't be a surprise, but then alive boys shouldn't gravitate toward dead boys. Adam isn't even sometimes dead, like Gansey is, or a little dead, the way that Ronan is. Definitely not in the constant, incessant way that Noah is. He has an actual heart pumping actual blood through his veins to the broken capillaries in his face. The bruise on his cheek just emphasizes the fact that there's still bone beneath his skin. Noah stops looking at it. It makes him feel as empty as he is.

Ronan keeps looking at the bruise. It makes him buzz. He's thinking about running his thumb over the blue and purple skin. He's thinking about the last time he got punched in the face. He's thinking that it's been too long since he got in a fight, even though it was only last Friday, and he thinks that's why he's so restless. Noah could tell him that it's not. Noah could tell a lot of people a lot of things.

"What'd you do to your face, Parrish?"

"Why, don't you like it?"

Noah says "no."

Adam hears his upset, but he doesn't know what to do with it. "It's just a bruise." It isn't.

"Nah," Ronan says, "it's a _look_ , you're a trendsetter." He reaches out the way he's been wanting to, but not for Adam's face, for Noah's. "See, Noah's got --

-

\-- frustrating," Gansey is saying, "but you can choose not to engage with him."

"I can," Ronan says agreeably. "And Declan can go fuck himself like the rat he is."

"I fail to follow your train of thought," Gansey says, prim and unamused.

"Rats can dislocate their bones."

"They squeeze their rib cages flat," Noah says. Somewhere his ribs have all fallen in on top of each other. "That's how they fit through holes."

"See, Noah says I'm right." Ronan doesn't notice that Noah hadn't been here a minute ago. He isn't thinking about where Noah came from; if he did, he would just think that Noah has been here the whole time. That he has been quiet because he is quiet.

Noah didn't used to be quiet. He doesn't want to be quiet, he just doesn't have much of a choice.

"That doesn't mean rats can fuck themselves," he adds.

"What the hell, man." Ronan glares. "I thought you were on my side."

"I am."

"That can't possibly be true." Gansey's mind lags a few steps behind the rest of theirs, having slowed down to look at something shiny. "You're thinking of octopi, they can squeeze through holes."

"Fuck off with your fake Latin. It's octopuses and you're a goddamn pedant."

"One of us ought to exercise some intellectual abilities."

"Are you saying that can't be me?" Ronan demands. "Or Noah?"

"If Declan was an octopus than he could definitely fuck himself," Noah says. "Tentacles."

"Aw, you are on my side."

Gansey grants Noah a softer version of the look that he'd given Ronan before. They are all so soft with him. He doesn't mind that. "This isn't what I expected when you moved in."

"You weren't expecting anything," Noah whispers. He's going weak, tries to say _you didn't know I was --_

-

"Noah." Gansey doesn't quite jump, but that's because of his poise and his control, not because he wasn't startled. "Have you been standing there for long?"

He hasn't been standing here for long. He hasn't _been_ for long, this time.

"Is something wrong?"

"I can't sleep," Noah says, one thing that is wrong. "Ronan's room gets loud at night." A second thing that is wrong. He stops there; two is enough.

"Really?" Gansey cocks his head. "I don't hear anything. We could look into soundproofing your shared wall, that can't be hard to do. I bet Adam knows how to do it."

"It isn't the wall, it's my ears."

"You don't have to apologize for your needs."

"I don't have needs," Noah reminds him. "I'm dead."

Gansey struggles to hold onto this statement. He loses; it slots itself into his brain among the rest of his undefined worries. At least he acknowledges something is wrong, but it's frustrating that he can't understand it no matter how often, how clearly, Noah tells him.

"I'll talk to Ronan about keeping the volume down at night."

Noah isn't present for that conversation. He isn't anywhere for that conversation. When he returns, Ronan is playing constant thrumming music, loud even from Gansey's room.

"I wasn't making any fucking noise last night," Ronan snaps through the crack that he opened the door when Gansey knocked. "So I'm making some tonight. I wouldn't want you to accuse me of anything falsely."

He slams the door shut. Gansey sighs and becomes aware of Noah in the hall.

"Sorry. I tried."

"It's okay." It does help. When Ronan is playing music, he isn't asleep.

-

Adam is looking at him. Adam is thinking that he looks tired, but he isn't going to say that. He doesn't want anyone to point out that _he_ looks tired. To point out how many many bruises he gets, too many for Ronan to joke about anymore, too many for anyone to know how else to talk about them. Adam doesn't want to give them an opportunity to try.

"How's today?" he asks instead.

Noah says, "Awful."

Adam puts a hand on his shoulder. They are standing side by side, and his arm drapes across Noah's back, like half of a half of a hug. "At least you're still here."

"What fucking good does that do him, Parrish?" Ronan is staring like he can see through Noah. Maybe he can. That's what it is to be Noah: they look through him without realizing they're doing it. He isn't thinking about whether Noah looks real, or even whether Noah looks tired. He's thinking about Adam's hand on Noah's shoulder. Noah doesn't know which one of them he's jealous of, because Ronan doesn't know, either. "Who wants to stay somewhere shitty?"

Adam's hand is warm; his voice is ice. "Depends what the alternative is."

"Don't fight," Noah pleads. That's normally Gansey's job, and a hard thankless one at that. But Gansey's not here, and Noah feels fragile. Ronan had been dreaming terrible things all night; Noah didn't know what they were. If they could make a ghost afraid, he didn't want to know.

So he says _don't fight,_ and Ronan and Adam immediately put it behind them.

"Do you need some help with class?" Adam offers.

"No," he answers. Ronan and Adam share a look. They think that if the problem isn't grades then it must be the other boys at school. They have no idea. "Ronan kept me up all night. I could hear him thinking."

Adam snorts. "How loud could that be?"

"Are you calling Noah a _liar_ ," Ronan says, contempt without aggression.

"No." Adam smiles genuinely at Noah before twisting it into something sharper and more enthralling for Ronan. "That makes sense, rusted machinery makes more noise than well maintained --

-

 _\-- nightmare_.

Ronan is having a nightmare. Noah can hear it. He can always hear it. He hides in his room and waits for it to end.

It doesn't. Ronan is awake, but the nightmare hasn't passed. It has settled in over Monmouth like a storm, echoing thunder up and down the hall.

Noah twists the doorknob as slowly as he can. At least he doesn't have to hold his breath to be silent. He steps outside.

There's something on the ground, small and indistinct in the darkness. It isn't moving, but there's a tense apprehension in the air like it was a moment ago, or like it will. It might be alive or it might be dead; that isn't the right question. _Good or evil_ isn't the right question either, but only because he knows the answer already. He goes back into his room and shuts the door. He feels faint and unreal from how fast his heart _should_ be pounding and isn't.

It's worse in the room now that he knows that the thing is out there. He opens the door again and walks back out into the hall.

It doesn't move in the end, even when his foot is right over it. It crunches when he steps on it.

Ronan doesn't respond when Noah knocks, doesn't get up when Noah opens the door. That isn't right. Noah once saw Ronan race across the room to block Gansey from coming in. Maybe he's already fallen back asleep, although Noah doesn't know how he could have after a dream like that. Ronan sleeps like the dead, given the dead don't sleep.

And then all of a sudden Ronan throws himself upright in bed. "What the fuck are you doing?"

"I knocked. You didn't answer."

"That doesn't mean you can come in." Ronan swings his legs off the bed and stalks toward the door. "I don't go into your room and interrupt your _alone time_." The accusation of what Noah must be doing when he disappears into his room is obvious, even if he couldn't hear Ronan thinking about it, even if Ronan hadn't thought about it before.

"You were having a bad dream."

"What, did it ruin the fucking mood for you? Deal."

"I didn't think you'd want it to reach Gansey."

"I don't, so keep your mouth shut. And turn up the volume on your porn, Jesus, wear some headphones."

"I can't block you out," Noah says.

Ronan says _"try"_ and shuts the door in his face.

-

Gansey brings Adam around to Monmouth, and Noah appears in his room. Gansey and Adam think that he has been here all day. Ronan thinks that Noah was out with them. Ronan is pissed about that, pissed about everything. He cracks a beer open and drains half of it.

Gansey takes a can when Ronan offers him one, because he thinks that he can demonstrate moderation and Ronan will follow his example. Ronan doesn't offer one to Noah; the look of distress on Noah's face the first time he'd ever done that, his stricken _I can't eat_ , had been enough to stop him ever doing it again. Ronan hadn't understood it, but he'd remembered it. He skips Noah and tosses a can at Adam.

Adam catches it, even though it was not thrown softly or carefully, and sets it down on the table. "You're really living up to your potential today."

"Sure." Ronan grabs the rest of the twelve pack and kicks the fridge shut. "Isn't this exactly what you expect from me?"

"After you crashed those expectations into the ground? No, actually, I still think you could do better."

Ronan snorts. "Yeah, I'm going to be really accomplished. Maybe I'll outdo myself by living long enough to turn eighteen."

Noah makes a small noise of distress. Adam's eyes narrow.

Gansey says, "I don't think this conversation is productive."

Ronan crushes the beer can in his hand. It isn't empty; it spills over his fingers and splashes on the ground. He drops it.

"Don't blame me," he says. "This is the best I can do."

Gansey sighs, because he's afraid that's true. Adam scowls, because he knows it isn't.

Noah watches Ronan disappear into his room and just wishes he hadn't left.

-

"At least he's _here_ ," Gansey says. Adam has left. Noah has been partly here and partly not all afternoon. Ronan hasn't emerged from his room, yet.

"He won't stay."

"Will you keep an eye open? You don't have to confront him, just let me know if he sneaks out."

"I'll try." Noah feels weak. He always does after watching the others eat or drink. Maybe he does need food and he really is going to wither away without it. Or maybe it just stings to remember how many times he had split a twelve pack or gone to Nino's with a false friend, and to realize that he will never be able to do the same with real friends. "I might not be here."

Gansey sighs --

-

\-- Ronan staggers. Noah tries to grab his elbow, but Ronan passes right through him, lands hard on hands and knees on the gravel drive.

Gravel?

Noah looks up and sees a gate, beyond that Aglionby, beyond that a legion of sleeping living boys.

He says, "We don't belong here."

"At least someone gets it." Ronan pushes himself up and stands, swaying. He doesn't see Noah. But he had heard him. Did the contradiction not bother him? Maybe it's just because he's Ronan. Or maybe it's just that he's drunk.

He staggers further up toward the gate. Noah doesn't want to see what comes next. Will he try to climb over it? He'd fall and hurt himself in this condition. And if he managed it, what then? What does he want from Aglionby in the middle of the night? Noah can't tell what he's planning when he isn't planning anything.

At the last minute Ronan flops down onto a bench in front of the gate. He starts to topple over. Noah sits on the bench next to him to prop him up.

"Lemme go." Ronan shoves his hands away and lies down, intentionally this time. He's too tall for the bench. Half of him hangs off of the end. His head is in Noah's lap. He breathes out and shuts his eyes.

Had Ronan really come all this way to sleep? Or had sleep simply chosen this moment to overtake him? Noah shifts uneasily, but it doesn't disturb Ronan; he's is already drifting off. This isn't the trouble that Gansey thought he would get into tonight. That doesn't mean it isn't trouble.

Ronan slips into a dream. Noah slips away, getting less substantial. He doesn't know how long it's been. Ronan's head is on the bench now, instead of on his lap, and the dream is getting worse.

"Ronan." Noah tries to speak but he can't make himself heard. He tries to shake Ronan awake, but he can't get a hold of him.

Ronan's heart is picking up, his breath coming faster -- and then he tenses all over, and while Noah watches his skin tears open.

-

He's awake now, awake for the horror, and bleeding, bleeding, bleeding. Noah presses his hands to the gashes; the blood pours right through him.

"Ronan," he says. "I -- I'm getting help."

Ronan doesn't respond. Noah can't tell if he heard --

\-- he's in Monmouth. He can't grab a hold of Gansey any more than he could Ronan. He yells but he can't make a noise. He is _silent as the grave_ , he is --

\-- in front of Aglionby. Ronan is fumbling to apply pressure to his own wounds. Noah reaches out. He could help if only he was a little more solid.

He's strong enough now to feel the warmth of Ronan's skin. It's fading. Ronan's hand slips away from his arm, because he got weaker when Noah got stronger.

Noah pulls his hands away.

He's in Gansey's room. The thought _don't touch the living_ is ringing loud through his head. A ghost shouldn't have superstitions. "Gansey."

"Noah?" Not Gansey, but Ronan; he's on the grass in front of Aglionby now, and Ronan is slurring his words, from alcohol or blood loss or uncertainty if Noah is really there. "'m I dying?"

Lies are for the living. "Yes."

He's in Monmouth, and he's screaming, and Gansey is stretching incongruously for his phone. He thinks that the ringing is what woke him up. He doesn't have his eyes open to see that it isn't lit up. "Hello?"

Noah says "there's nothing I can do," and both of them hear him.

"S'okay," Ronan assures him.

"Noah?" Gansey asks, voice thick with exhaustion. "Is everything all right?"

"No," he says. "It's not."

He thinks _don't touch the living_ , but Ronan has always been more than a little dead.

"Where are you?" Gansey springs out of bed, picturing what he thinks are worst case scenarios: Arrest. Car crash. Alcohol poisoning.

Noah puts his hands back over Ronan's skin. His heart is still beating, pushing all of his blood out of him, but it'll be worse if it stops.

Somewhere he says, "He needs an ambulance."

Somewhere he says, "One of us should get to live."

Ronan opens his eyes and looks through Noah, _really_ through him. "An' you're already dead."

None of them have ever believed him when he said that. They are too alive to understand. If Ronan believes it now, can he really be alive?

Noah says nothing. Ronan's eyes shut.

"I'm on my way," Gansey is saying. "I'm hanging up. To call 911."

Noah could disappear now. Ronan will die or he won't; Noah doesn't have to watch it happen. He could vanish and come back when Ronan's decision is made. He could vanish and not come back.

"Please hurry," and he sits by Ronan while they both cling to life.

**Author's Note:**

> If you like this fic, you can [reblog it on tumblr!](https://toast-the-unknowing.tumblr.com/post/189786123600/if-you-only-listen-with-your-ears-i-cant-get-in)


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